My empire of dirt

There are people in this world who will literally suck all the life out of you to get what they want. Unfortunately we can't always get away from them, due to extenuating circumstances. You either chose to let them suck the life out of you, or chose to take each experience with a grain of salt and try not to give in.
Every once in a while I feel like I have lived my whole life this way, always giving in to others needs and taking nothing for myself. I've let the people I love and care about the most suck my heart and soul out of me, leaving an empty slate for anyone else who comes along. Its sad really, that until I turned 28 I had no clue what was happening. Twenty eight years of my life, that's my lifetime!
About a month ago I realized it was time to start living for myself. I'm not sure what happened really, but something inside of me wanted a change, and something inside of me knew it could change. You see, it's easy to avoid those types of people if they aren't your family, not so easy when they are.
I have a son who loves me, a husband who would do anything for me, a house I can call mine, a job, an education. I have  life of my own. I can't continue to let others suck what life I have left. So as I write this, and if you read this, no one says it better than Johnny Cash: you can have it all, my empire of dirt - because up to this point, that's all I am.

Toddler Tantrums

Well, the day has come. I officially feel like a terrible parent. I have family members who swear their children never went through the terrible two stages. "It's all about how you, the parent, respond to them", they'd say. So while my child is laying on the floor screaming and carrying on, exactly what am I suppose to do? Ignore that? Walk away? Act like I can't hear the ear piercing screams from my 'sweet little baby'? Seriously! That makes them stop? Prove it!

I have always been the one to hear babies crying, kids pitching fits, or just making noise in general. After you have kids, that's suppose to change, right? It all just blends in with the background noise? Right! I still can't tune out my own kid, much less any other child carrying on. Is there a secret to this 'tuning out' that someone would like to share with me :).  Maybe that would help the both of us.

For the most part, Simon is just finding his place in our family. We don't feed him a lot of sweets or junk food, but I've made the mistake of giving him animal crackers after dinner. He also has a bedtime snack...what? he has always eaten a lot! That boy came out looking for a hamburger! The dilemma now is he eats anything they feed him at school, but he has stopped eating what I put in front of him. Grrrr, dumb animal crackers. We have a hutch in our kitchen where I store his baby snacks, and he knows that's where they are. If he doesn't want what I put down on his tray to eat, he immediately looks at the hutch and starts carrying on about he would rather have some puffs, or a cereal bar, or baby Cheetos (yes, they make those), or animal crackers. By carrying on I don't mean actually talking, its more like he's speaking a foreign language, but I know what he means. Tonight I gave him unbreaded chicken tenders that had mushroom gravy on them (no mushrooms). The chicken was tender, and usually he loves chicken. I also gave him some baked apples and a cheese stick. He took one bite of the chicken, one bite of the apples, then took the cheese stick and threw it in the floor. Don't worry, we have a dog who loves cheese. Then, the fussing began. I had already decided I was going to ignore him tonight to see if he would eventually eat what I'd given him. His fussing turned into a full fledged tantrum. At this point I was pretty sure outside was calling me. This kid may be more stubborn than his mother....he did eventually eat the apples (or either the dog did) but he didn't touch the chicken. Note to self: Si does NOT like mushroom and gravy on chicken. He was all worked up so we snuggled in the rocker for a bit then it was bath time. His little belly was growling the whole time. After bath, he ran into the kitchen pointing at the hutch.

A lot of mommies talk about 'choosing their battles' between their spouses and children. How is it that my 16 month old slaughters me in battle?

Angels vs Demons

I was once told 'Everyone fights demons. Everyone has an inner demon'. That may be a false statement for you, but the more life I witness, the more I believe this statement. At times, we all face a darkness that seems to consume our every movement, our every thought, our state of being. Couldn't this be called a demon? Something that tries to bring us to our knees, something that can make life so difficult getting out of bed seems unrealistic? My favorite definition of the word 'demon' is 'an evil passion or influence'. If I am the only person that has experienced this, then Lord help me! These dark times for me started when I was a young teenager, possibly middle school. I haven't been able to pinpoint an exact time or event, I just remember it coming over me like a dark cloud. Yes, another word for this could be depression. However, during these times I would always remember the song "Oh be careful little eyes what you see, oh be careful little ears what you hear". It seemed everything was much more influential during these times: music, friends, parents. As I've gotten older I've learned to surround myself with the positive things in life, but lets face it, one can't always be positive. That inner demon finds its way up every now and then. There are people who have never experienced depression, and for those of you who are reading this that haven't, you're not missing out on anything, really. Scientifically, it just means all your juices are flowing the way they should be :). There are skeptics who say its all in our heads or we control how we feel, but that really isn't the case. As I mentioned above, I've lived long enough to realize the statement is true. Not every person deals with depression, but everyone at some point has an inner demon they must fight. Some win, some lose. The good news is most people don't have to fight this on their own. Family, friends, siblings, spouses, neighbors, counselors, doctors, etc are all there to help people out during times of need. I call these people Angels. Whether you reach out, or keep it buried inside, someone is always there to comfort you. The definition of an angel is this: a person having qualities generally attributed to an angel, as beauty, purity, or kindliness. All I can say is, thank goodness there are kind people on this earth for me to share my burdens with.  If you are going through something, there are people out there that care about you, open up, let it out, after all, that's why God put angels on this earth.

I realize this isn't my typical post, but I've started a 10 day challenge for myself. Ten days of blogging, ten days of eating better, ten days of consistent exercise, which means ten days of turning my blog into 'my journal'. Writing about whatever is on mind. I only want to continue to better myself for my son, my family. Taking care of me is where it starts. This may be Microsoft word material, filed away and locked up tight, but why hide? I've hidden for too long!