What's Left of Me

The other day I was using spotify to chose music for me as I ran based on the steps I jogged per minute. If you're a slow jogger, slow songs will play, I'm talking sappy slow songs. I was kind of at that point where I was wearily wondering what in the world was going to come on next and to my disbelief, it was Nick Lachey, What's left of me. If you know me, you know 1) I absolutely despise country music and 2) not a huge pop fan. I prefer alternative rock depending on the mood I'm in, some days heavier than others. However, most of the time I just listen to whatever Si wants to listen to...so do I even have a favorite station at the moment? Anyway, I'm running, okay, jogging. I find myself listening to the words of this song and realize tears are falling from my eyes. I'm sure it's normal to not realize whats occurring in your own skin, but that's kind of a portrait of how this past year for me has been. Partial memories of events that have taken place but it's all left behind in this fog that I can't seem to fight my way through. That fog is called grief, if you've never experienced it, that's some heavy shi fog.  I think back on this past year and it takes me a minute to think back on what all has happened:
1) My girl left me for a greater place
2) Panama City (My daddy got us out of town for a while, best thing he could've ever done for me)
3) My stepson moved in with us
4) I went back to work
5) Si started pre-K
6) Hell sank in
7) Boston, MA
8) Orlando
9) Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg

10) Holidays (HELL)
11) Orlando (again)
12) Finished out the school year
13) Swim Lessons
14) Jekyll/St Simons
15) July 15 - back to HELL again
 
We are about to start another school year and I literally cannot even tell you a thing about this past school year. The hardest thing is, I did all those things above with Si, yet I don't remember much. His entire fourth year is a major blur. That makes me angry because he didn't ask for this life. He doesn't deserve this life, this life of uncertainty and having to swallow death at such a young age. I mean he still asks me when she's coming back. I look into his eyes and don't know what to say. His big brown eyes so full of confusion. Speaking of confusion, there's me. What did I do to deserve this life? How could God allow this considering there are babies out there who need good homes.

Things go quiet for a while, between myself and God. I've read a few books others have recommended. While reading them life kind of made sense, He would never allow this to happen, it's how the world works, and Satan. Then I walk day to day and watch time continuously pass, and others grow farther and farther from what happened to us. Dates come and less and less check in. Others move on. And I become bitter. Bitter towards God. So, I can't really blame him for getting quiet on me. The good thing is He is forgiving. I realize even in my deepest, darkest hole, farthest away from God, that his breath is how I'm still going. The breath from others praying for my family. The breath of strength. The breath of Simons smile. The breath of David and I surviving this past year, together. The breath of co-workers who made sure I got through each day. The breath of a new boss (and his wife) who showed compassion and grace. The breath of family to love on us, and to hurt with us. The breath of a spiritual leader and his wife who show nothing but patience and never ending love. God is always there even when I think i don't want him. He will continue to breath these things in me until my dying moment. If we are just being honest, I didn't know how I was going to survive this past year, or how I will survive the next one, or the next. But I do. I keep surviving, even when I don't want to. So because of that, I know God hasn't forsaken me, yet some days it seems like He has.

So back to the song by Nick Lachey. I realized these words resonated with me. A little over two weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night (or maybe in the morning - I can't remember) and heard God speak to me, as clear as day. When your child suddenly dies, you're left with a life of wondering, no closure, blame, remorse. But I heard what God had to say to me. I'm still left with guilt, blame, remorse but  he gave me a small piece of closure which I'm sure over the years he will continue to piece me back together, differently. So read the words below. I'm trying here. Really trying. I don't 100% trust you, God, not yet. But I'm trying. So take what's left of me. I can't walk this walk alone anymore.

Here are the words:

Watch my life pass me by
In the rear view mirror
Pictures frozen in time
Are becoming clearer

I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes, yeah

Cause I want you and I feel you
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger, like a burning
To find a place I've never been

Now I'm broken and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have what's left of me

I've been dying inside
Little by little
No where to go but going out of my mind
In endless circles

Running from myself until
You gave me a reason for standing still

And I want you and I feel you
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger, like a burning
To find a place I've never been

Now I'm broken and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have what's left of me

Falling faster, barely breathing
Give me something to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head

Take what's left of this man
Make me whole once again

Cause I want you and I feel you
Crawling underneath my skin
A hunger, like a burning
To find a place I've never been

Now I'm broken and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
You can have all that's left, yeah yeah yeah
What's left of me

I've been dying inside, you see
I'm going outta my, outta my mind
I'm just running in circles all the time

Will you take what's left?
Will you take what's left?
Will you take what's left of me?
Just running in circles in my mind

Will you take what's left?
Will you take what's left?
Will you take what's left of me?
Take what's left of me

This is the very last picture I took of Evie before dropping her off to take Si for his four year check up. It's been one year since this picture. My life is forever changed by her. I love you, munchie.