Simon started pre-k this past August. I wish I could say he absolutely LOVES it. He only tolerates it. He's always asking 'Is there no more school' and I cringe when he asks on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesdays. By Wednesday, he will flat out cry when you tell him he has TWO more days of school left. The good news is I don't have to leave him kicking and screaming every morning. He wakes up and we get dressed and eat on the way to school. He never cries (I'm probably jinxing myself) on the way to school or once we get there. The first two weeks of school are another story entirely but we've gotten over that hump (the Walmart toy section benefited from his tears). His teacher sends me pictures sometimes and he's always smiling in them so hopefully he is having some fun. Before school let out for the Christmas break I had a conference with his teacher. She only had good things to say about him (she better) so I'm hoping this means she hasn't picked up on how much he despises her class. Good news is he seems to like her so I don't think this is a reflection on her part whatsoever. Simon is a homebody. He'd rather be here at home than any where else at any given time. If you say, "Si, do you want to go to Disney World", he will more than likely tell you "No". Just who he is. With all of this said, sometimes he makes entertaining comments about what he'll do so he won't have to go to school. His recent fad is super heroes; Hulk, Captain America, Iron Man, Spider Man. I've heard him say things like he's going to grow up big like Hulk so he can smash the school so he won't have to go. I laugh and tell him how silly he is but deep down I'm wondering if I should be concerned...I mean he has 12 more years of this, at least. Let's just pray Kindergarten will be a different experience for him and let's be thankful there are laws about being in school up to a certain age. Surely he'll be convinced by a law, right?
I say all of that as background information for a conversation he and I had today. Six months ago Si asked on a more regular basis about Evie. Questions I'll never forget. He asked the same ones within a few days apart but eventually he asked me this, "Will Evie ever come back?". I wish I could say I had this long drawn out, extravagant answer. I didn't. I couldn't say anything. I shook my head and tears fell down my cheek. That look on his face. I'll never forget it. Disappointment. Simon experienced disappointment and that crushed what was left of my soul. It's hard watching your child grieve. It's also hard to explain to a four year old where his sister is. She was here and then all of a sudden she wasn't. He and I dropped her off that morning, July 15, and he never saw her again. We didn't let him be a part of her service or allow him to see her before the service in the casket. I don't regret that decision. He didn't need to see her like that. But he misses her too. Heaven and God are mostly over his head right now but we've talked about it more in the last six months than he and I ever have before. He knows "baby Ebee" is in Heaven with God. He knows that she's safe and that she's still apart of our family. He will tell anyone he has a baby named Ebee (Evie). That's his baby, she was his from the beginning and to this day, that's still his baby. It is so sweet watching him continue on her legacy. But its so hard as well. Imagine your precious child asking for something, knowing you can NEVER give them what they want. My words don't put a dent in the pain it causes me knowing he doesn't get to have his baby back either.
So today, Simon had a dentist appointment. This was his second cleaning appointment. His first cleaning was back in June, when Evie was still with us. All three of us went on that trip and it was one of those trips that makes you realize life is different with two. That trip consisted of Evie's bottle spilling out all over the place, Simon having an accident, Evie blowing out her diaper, then spitting up what little I could salvage of her formula. I walked into the Carter's outlet in commerce with two naked kids that day. I specifically remember laughing so I wouldn't cry. On our drive to commerce today, I was talking to Simon about his first dentist appointment and how they just brushed his teeth and how sweet they were to him. We were talking about the last trip out there and he remembered Evie spitting up. I should have seen this coming but out of no where he says, "Mama, I'm ready to go be with God and Ebee". Ditto, my child. At this point I can barely see the road through my watery eyes. I clear my throat and ask him "Why do you say that", and he says, "So I won't have to go to school anymore!". Literally a laugh out loud moment! This child is desperate for 'NO MORE SCHOOL'.
Most days Si is the reason I keep going, keep getting up, keep pushing forward. Moments like today help me see it a little more clearly. I need constant reminders of why I'm still here and God blesses me with those moments. Sometimes it through Simon, sometimes its through friends, and sometimes its through my kids at school. But I also know I'm not alone in my sadness and grief. My first born is still grieving too. He and I are on different levels, but he lost his baby sister. He may be 4, but he knows our home is different.
For those of you reading this, I am forever grateful for your thoughts and prayers but I have a favor to ask of you; please pray for Simon as well. As he gets older he will understand a little better but he still misses his baby. When we visit where she is buried, Simon always asks for the key to the church so we can get her. For him, Heaven is a place here on earth where babies are. I'm always praying for the right words to help him understand but I always have a loss for words. Evie dying has affected everyone in our house, not just me, not just David. I'd give anything to have her back and it seems Si feels the same.
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